Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me since I started writing these. I admit it has led to some awkward and emotional interactions. Awkwardness never really bothered me and I admit I kind of enjoy and appreciate clumsy conversation. Talking and writing about Paul helps me work through the grief and is helping to heal.
The worst part of my day right now is coming home from work and walking in to tell Paul about my day and ask him about his. That was a daily ritual that I always enjoyed – trying to pull out of him some tidbit of how his day went. And when I am home alone watching the Brewers or whatever, and I reach out to fist bump Paul, or put my arm around him, it hurts that he is not there. Those little daily things are the worst moments. It is at those lowest moments, when I ache for him, I have found it helpful to talk to Paul. I often go into his room and tell him what I want to say. I don’t believe he can hear me. I don’t believe he is an angel. I believe it is all in my head. I also know that it helps me to talk to Paul and to say his name. “Paulie, I miss you.”
Friends tell me that these little posts help people. I feel great about that and about the comments that people leave here. I also want to avoid be preachy and I just want to write what I feel. That is my selfish need to write. But I also had an idea.
If you are helped by something like this, it is because you lost someone too. And if that is true, maybe you would benefit from saying that person’s name out loud or talking to them. You probably already do. Everyone has lost someone and we are all in this together, my couple hundred FB friends and I. So, if you want to, I give you permission to write a name here. Or write Paul’s name here. And when you are talking to me or a mutual friend, bring that person’s name up. You are not truly dead until no one remembers who you were. So maybe we try to keep the memories alive in as many people as we can. That is what I intend to do, even if it awkward sometimes.