So...I was drinking coffee yesterday out of my new mug and thinking. Thinking about Paul and about how people have likened grief to riding waves. It's pretty accurate really. One moment I'll be fine and the next moment grief washes over…

One of the things that we have to do after losing a child is find a new definition of who we are. I was primarily Paul’s Dad, especially after Paige left for college. I need to find a new identity…

I never wanted to be the Dad of the handicapped kid. No one really asks for that. Growing up, they were the kids in the separate room, at the end of the hall at school. I think that I was…

Paul didn’t stand for the National Anthem. We went to a few sporting events each year, and that was an awkward 2 minutes for us. Kathie would get irritated when they said, “Please stand for the National Anthem”. She thought…

Paul needed a lot of help sometimes, and I enjoyed helping him. I have nearly infinite patience for most things, especially for him, and I could usually discern what he really needed. Sometimes he would act like he needed more…

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me since I started writing these. I admit it has led to some awkward and emotional interactions. Awkwardness never really bothered me and I admit I kind of enjoy and appreciate…

Most days we are functioning a little better now. Yesterday we had our first sled hockey event, just an equipment inventory, and it was way more emotional than a hockey event like that should be. Today Kathie went to her…

Paige was born 5 years before Paul. She was not only the lone child for those 5 years, but the only grandchild for Ken and Sue. They had plenty of time and disposable income to spoil their “one and only…

Paul had a bunch of scars. His back from his closure. Big like a horizontal zipper. His head and chest and stomach from shunt revisions. The front of his neck from his tracheotomy, a little hole by his voice box.…

Paul’s last night, for some reason I got up twice, just to check on him. It’s not like I never did that, but it was rare. Never twice in one night. I left for work in the morning after saying…

Paul strengthened our marriage.  Our experience is that there are only two types of marriages when you have a handicapped kiddo – strong as iron, or divorced.  We know plenty of both.  Either you figure out how to make decisions…

Paul was not always super ambitious. There were a lot of times he just wanted to sit on the couch watching TeenNick, Hannah Montana, or iCarly. He would sit on the couch with some electronic device and the TV on…

Thank you to everyone who helped and attended Paul’s celebration yesterday. Kathie and I were very grateful that people “got it” and talked about the remarkable things Paul did during his life, and that the pity party was nowhere to…

Kathie and I are talking a lot to figure out what happened. I have had some difficult days this week, now that time has slowed a little, thinking about all the things we will not be doing with Paul. Talking…

Writing helps me sort out the grief from the loss of Paul. I am not the first person to suffer a tough personal loss, but I am learning a lot about pain and I want to filter through it in…